Morton Salt

So. I don't get the Morton Salt slogan on the container. When it rains it pours? WTF. When things are bad they are going to get worse? AND WE'RE GOING TO POUR SALT ON THE FUCKING WOUND?!?!

Assholes.

-Newt

Dear little brother

Dear Little Brother,
 
You almost died today.  And I do not mean in that Call of Duty, Halo, or whatever the heck it is you were playing at 5 am way.  I mean in the "Yes I understand you are on Spring Break but I, your darling sister, am not, and I have to get up for work early today" way.  I wholeheartedly understand your need to tell the people on your team 'DUDE OMG WTF BBQ' when they mess up, or get in your way.  I ALSO TRULY do understand you needing to yell 'DUDE I STABBED YOU 65 TIMES!' at the TV when the bad guys don't die.  However, if you do not cease and desist this behavior at 5 AM, except on weekends, I may be forced to come in your room and strangle you while you sleep.  I know I cannot do this when you are awake, as I am not very strong and you are 10 years younger than me, and probably more agile, but you sleep like the dead when you are asleep, and I could probably throttle you before you even woke up.  Remember when the house alarm went off and you slept through it?  This is proof I could probably win a battle.
 
Please cease and desist.  You ARE my brother, and I DO love you, but I am not afraid to kick the snot out of you on a work day.
 
Love always,
 
Newt.

OCD much?

So.  I have a slightly obsessive personality.  I say this light heartedly.  But it's true.  What?  Do I have over 70 hours clocked into FFXIII, and have finished GOW3, and work full time, and go out at night and not get home until 4 am and get up for work at 7?  Yes.  And I fully plan on crashing the eff out when I get home tonight from work.  Yea that's right, I am writing a blog at work, but on my break, cause I value having my job.  (Also they can read our emails and since I will be emailing this to myself to post from my phone because the blog site is blocked at work, it never hurts to kiss posterior) <3<3<3.  (OH BTW I would like to point out that my office feels like winter, and I don't like it) Anyway.  Back to my Obsessiveness.  Today I am obsessed with a new blog to the point of distraction.  I am pretty sure the chick is in my head.  She writes how I think.  But not how I am clever enough to write.  Once my fingers touch the keyboard I pretty much become idiotic and start drooling like an idiot, making fart jokes, or whatever.
 
ANYWAY!  Gosh, no focus here today.
 
So Adam (Who gets to be called nice names [Like ADAM] in this blog today because I am going to send it from my work email) and I have decided we need to be funnier.  And so I will try to be more clever, and Adam is going to draw stick figures.  And ITS NOT PLAGIARIZING IF HE DRAWS HIS OWN STICK FIGURES!  Though if it is, somehow, that's all on him cause I can't draw.  So there.  Loser.


-newt.

You're my best friend I've never met

You're my best friend I've never met.
 
So...Adam is my best friend.  We've never met.  We may someday.  We may not.  I speak more freely to him than I do to anyone else in my life.  Except my mother of course.  She is also my best friend.  Between these two people, I have more trust and confidence and honesty then I ever expected.  I can tell Adam anything, and I mean ANYTHING.  How loud I burp, the color of my poop, my confusion on weird types of underwear, the fact that I am in a bad mood because of pms, how much weight I've lost, where my saggy skin problems are because of that weight loss, my favorite movies...I can tell him about dates I go on, dates I like and dates I don't like, why boyfriends are dumb, why boyfriends are awesome.  We can discuss anything in the world with no problem.  And we've never met. 
 
Do I want to?  Of course, he's promised me a tv if we do.  But do we have to?  Nah.  The internet is an amazing thing. 
 
BTW...Adam, no one cares about you at work. ;P
 
P.S.  I downloaded the Predators trailer.  Goosebumps yo.
 
P.P.S.  Wait...Adam told me brb mtg via IM this morning.....I see how you are now.
 
Jerk.
 
-Newt

brb...Meeting time...

This is why I love IM. In person or over the phone, it's close to impossible to stop a conversation that you no longer want to be a part of. Sometimes over the phone you can fake the old "Someone is calling through". But then you still seem like an asshole if you choose to take that call and hang up on your "friend". In person, forget about it. Short of dousing yourself with gasoline and lighting yourself on fire, you're talking as long as the other person does.

But with IM, you can have a fairly decent conversation and still end it whenever you want. My favorite is a simple 'brb'. Then just go do something else. Usually the person you're talking to will just sign off within 5-10 mins. At work it's even easier, just add a 'Meeting time" to the end. No one will question that you have a meeting at any point between 9 and 5. I don't recommend using an elaborate story that you'll likely forget in order to get out of an unending IM conversation. When a simple brb will do, why risk future confusion when your friend asks if your brother-in-law's penguin is okay.

So is it ironic that I'm actually in a meeting right now? Possibly. If I truly knew wtf ironic meant, or if I ever used it properly.

- Adam

All things in moderation

So, I don't know what to write about. There are a few topics floating around the emptiness that is presently my head. Part of me wants to write about the angst I have going on this week regarding my ex boyfriend, but I don't feel the need to bash him right now. For the moment, lets suffice it to say, he's a prick, and I've moved on, and am willing to view applications.

Instead lets list some random facts that people of the world may find amusing.

1.) I have an irrational dislike of orange peels. I will never peel an orange, and often request other people do it for me. If someone peels my orange I can eat it at my leisure, if they don't the orange will be wasted. I do not, however, have a problem, eating an orange that has a peel attached, IF someone has cut it into pieces for me.

2.) I am deathly afraid of things that fly. Birds, butterflies, anything of that nature. I don't know what it stems from, but I have no problem running away from them. In one instance I even shoved a coworker at a bird at took off running when it fluttered it's wings at me. I ran.

3.) I have been living in video game land for a few weeks. Dragon Age, Bayonetta, and now Final Fantasy 13. I'm loving it. God of War comes out in a few weeks. I don't expect to surface for a few more months.

4.) I want more tattoos. I have 3. I want a few more. I want a connect the dots design of some sort, because it seems cute. I want a chocobo and moogle tattoo. I also want a few more traditional tattoos.

5.) I took my dog for a walk just now. I am now making brownies to work that shit off.

6.) I'm obsessed with hair dye. I am trying desperately to not dye my hair right now, as I am going to cut my hair off this weekend.

7.) I can't draw. At all. Not even stick figures.

8.) I won't the spelling bee several times when I was younger. This makes me a spelling freak. I am NOT a grammar freak. But some people confuse the two.

I don't know what else to write right now. This was all more clever when I was in the shower. But FFXIII is calling me, so basically I do not care about any of you anymore.

Cheers.

P.S. You guys are pussies for making me change the font color today.

-Newt

How to waste a beautiful day

Editor's Note: This is not the only way to waste a beautiful day. This is just one suggestion.

Step 1: Get up way too early. This will be easy if you hold a normal 8ish-5ish job and have to drive more than 5 mins to get to work. If you actually want to eat breakfast and/or shower, it will be even easier.

Step 2: Go to work. It is likely that you sit in a cubicle all day within a larger office from which you cannot locate any windows to the outside world. If it's easier to look on your iphone for the current weather rather than look outside, you probably fit in this category.

Step 3: Stay inside for lunch. You may get the crazy notion that you can go outside and get lunch, or even eat outside. Incorrect. That would be taking advantage of a beautiful day. Instead, ask a co-worker to bring you back a sandwich. Bonus points if you get so crazy busy working that you don't even remember to eat lunch. That way you'll be extra cranky in the afternoon.

Step 4: Work late. If you leave at a normal hour you might catch some sunlight. At around 4pm, be sure to start working on something that you can't possibly finish by 5:30 but that you also can't leave until the following morning. Going to the bathroom or surfing the internet doesn't count.

Step 5: When the sun sets, leave work. When the creepy crawlers that live in your closet and under your bed come out to play, this is when you call it a day.

Step 6: Declare it's too late to work out. By this point in the day you have just enough time to go home and eat dinner before Lost comes on. You don't have time to change, sweat for 45 mins and then shower. Yeah, it's definitely too late to work out.

Step 7: Look at the clock. Holy shit it's already 9 pm? WTF.

Congratulations! You've wasted a perfectly beautiful day!

- Adam