Something a little more serious

So, as a general rule I refrain from posting too much in the way of seriousness on this blog. I find it easier overall to just be silly and post things that make people laugh. But this last week and a half have been particularly rough for me, emotionally and physically. And I have no one local to talk about it anymore. If you don't want to read a serious post, skip this one, I don't mind.

My closest friend and I both got drunk and in a huge argument. Like most arguments go, both of us think we are the wronged party, and even after we kind of explained it to one another, we haven't really talked much. I'm not sure we will. I definitely feel wronged, and I am sure she does, and since we're both uniquely stubborn it will probably simmer for a long while before one of us breaks to talk to to the other. I don't really blame her, but I'm still hurt at the moment, and I'm sure she is as well. So, needless to say I feel very alone right now. We still had problems in our friendship regardless, she often said or did things that seemed like she had a problem with the way I acted or behaved anyway. I often felt like she had to be in total control of a situation and if I stepped out of that zone it would upset her. I don't know anymore.

My ex and I, who were friendly, also had a fight that same night. Again we both feel wronged, but in particular I felt betrayed and that he had picked sides and I was the one left alone. He's apologized, but I still feel like that trust that we had to back each other is gone and it doesn't make me happy. So I feel alone there too. And I miss him, he was my confidant.

I've had my third abnormal pap smear also, for those that don't know, that is a bad thing, especially as I keep having them. The realities of it, are that I could, potentially have cancer, or possibly have too much damage in whatever is going on down there. Some people know that I've had significant 'girlie' problems over the last few years and it seems to be getting progressively worse. The doctors aren't saying much but there's a chance I will never be able to have children. I'm trying to stay positive on this and think of the plus sides...such as (once I have my tummy tuck following weight loss) I will have an awesome stomach forever. Also, if I get my boobs done (another surgery hopefully covered by insurance) those will be perky until I'm 90. Maybe 91. So I go on May 18th to get more stuff looked at and possibly have chunks cut out of me for biopsy. (woo?). I've done it before, and it hurts, but I'll have the day off work.

On top of all that I've had vertigo for nearly 5 days now. In fact as I type this, the screen is kind of rocking back and forth from side to side, or so my eyes tell me. I don't like this constant dizzy feeling, and about an hour ago it started to get a lot worse than it has been. I went to the doctor this morning and gave away 17 vials of blood, no charge, for testing. The doctors hope that this part of it is just anemia based, but we'll see. I'm trying to stay positive there too. If it is iron deficiency anemia, my doctor is going to get me into a blood specialist and see about transfusions. So that will hopefully help.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago, and I've got a lot of guilt pent up about that. I hadn't seen her much lately. It was upsetting to us both, as she thought I was her daughter that passed away. That upset her, when realization set in, and I just didn't want to remember my grandmother as frail.

I don't know, I feel very alone these days. People I had thought were my friend have gone silent. I think because they were friends with the girl I fought with first. I see them talking to other people, but I'm left by the wayside. I'm not sure how that is friendship but I guess that is how it goes. I've never been the most sociable of people to begin with, and I think I was crawling out of my shell. But it all seems to be shot down right now.

Instead I've been trying to immerse myself in other things, work when I can, trying to figure out my plans for school, listening to audio books. (Those work great with my A.D.D. tendencies as I can listen while I hop around from task to task). I try to chat with people when I can online, but it's holding less appeal than it used to. I think I'm allowing a pretty shitty depression to take over me and I am not sure how to break out of it right now. The weather certainly isn't helping. I hate gloomy days.

I miss my friends, I miss being out and about. I miss being happy to be by myself. I don't know anymore though. Sometimes being alone is easier. Just not happier.

-Newt